False Call To Arms: My Michelle Moment Was No Secretive Veiled Threat!
Friday, July 31, 2009 at 3:18PM My dear friends. I have an apology to make before we all leave for the weekend. I know that Michelle isn't one to hold a grudge, but I made a big sartorial boo boo. I will get about my apology in a minute or two, after a bit of important business.
It's summer and the livin' is easy, as long as we don't turn on the TV news. I say, let's 'win one for the gifter', that dazzling FLOTUS woman, who hasn't bestowed a PDA on the national soul in weeks but has so many in her. (Who knows. Maybe she 'blew it' in Virginia today.)
Huff Po has a top priority national-security contest going on this minute, and it concerns arms. No, no. Not the spread of nuclear weapons. Women don't care about the world blowing up.
Arms -- really important arms.
Madonna's arms: real or not?We had this dreadful photo of Madonna's arms this week. Today her rep insists that the photos were doctored, and I thought it had to be the work of a Photoshop terrorist. I'm rock solid behind Madonna on just about everything she does, and even I said "ewwwww!"
So this is the back drop for a really important use of our time: Ripped, Striated and Defined Arms: Gone to Far?
FLOTUS IN THE ARMS HALL OF FAME INDUCTION LEAD!
Indeed, my friends, our beloved FLOTUS is in the lead in the platinum-grade arms department, with a score of 8.7 out of 10. But she has a rival -- Minnesota-girl Jessica Biel, hot on her flats at 8.2.
Biel is too close for comfort, so let's up Michelle's high-octane lead to 9.3 or something.
Then I will sleep better tonight. Go vote for FLOTUS, and then come back to me.
Michelle Obama in the lead in Huff Po's 'Best Arms" Poll
When in Rome . . .
We all know I've been a little out of sorts since that darn Moscow, Rome journey earlier in the month. FLOTUS spent too much time walking behind the president for my taste.
Michelle spoiled us rotten in April. I was singin' all kinds of 'new day' songs.
Just the other day POTUS made one of those "the little lady calls the shots" comments at some town meeting, but it was a lead balloon in my joke book. A pic is worth a thousand words, Mr. President.
Although FLOTUS talked today in Hampton Bays, she's been generally tongue-tied, so as not to not let any stupid words fly out of her mouth. Michelle understands the importance of not deflecting the nation's attention in the middle of the health care bill debate, so she's been a real sport about everything.
Mums the FLOTUS words. I'm the one having bad dreams. FLOTUS is being her wonderful self, hangin' out with the girls.
Anne's thrashing around in bed, thinking maybe she's going cuckoo or all hormonal in front of a national audience.
I've taken this energy and transferred it onto Sudan's trouser wars, so as to let up on poor Michelle and not send off any more embarassing, late-night emails of anguish to Mrs-O.
Surprise: Brand New Day!
Click to play Sting's 'Brand New Day'It's over. I'm happy to say that the chickens came home to roost in my mind this morning. I GET it now. It I could have received just one little digital "shhh, Anne" email from the East Wing, I would have dropped the whole darn discussion.
Being a global-intelligence insider, Michelle knew about two Vatican investigations, created to “look into the quality of the life” of American Catholic nuns. I pride myself on being ahead of the curve, but the "Apostolic Visitation" trend got by me.
I can only rely on these inexplicable reactions that I have to 'thing', events, observations, body language -- all the squishy stuff. This is when I appear to be having a breakdown, but it's actually an 'aha' moment. If I were a Washington insider, I could have spared us all a lot of emotionally wrenching reading.
Also, I've been in cahoots with some very progressive nuns lately, on a little business venture, so it took Mrs. Khaki Pants to post the NYT article in RedTracker: U.S. Nuns Facing Vatican Scrutiny.
i was putting on my nun-friendly, new wrinkle cream when MKP sprung the news on me just this morning.
"What do you expect," MKP demanded of me, grinding her boat docker, or whatever those driving shes are called, into the hardwood floor. "For cryin' out loud. Diane Keaton just signed to create a new HBO show about an aging femininist publishing a porn for women magazine. She wants to reignite the feminist movement. Fat chance! You girls have no sense of propriety and respect for authority."
POTUS and FLOTUS meet Pope Benedict, July 10 2009Sleevegate Rules
"Mark my words, Anne," MKP glowered at me. "You girls bring this on yourselves. You're never happy. Enough is never enough with women like you. You're always out there upsetting the natural order of things, even when it means rocking the patriarchy. Well good! Now you can all stew in your own juices or bad dreams or whatever it is that you're having lately."
Gosh, when MKP starts talking, it's endless. She's worse than I am. She wasn't finished.
"On that note, Anne, since I'm getting more involved in your affairs from now on -- I mean somebody has to keep you out of trouble -- I expect you to apologize to Michelle today. That will be Friday afternoon, before 5 pm, and I mean it."
This is one official apology I want crossed off my To Do list. I understand that your resume must be fixed also. Your new Muslim girlfriends have asked you to replace the Victoria's Secret references on your resume, with a generic "global American brand" moniker, so that Lubna won't be beheaded over knowing you. I expect this to be taken care of tomorrow. And give me your passport now. There will be no trips abroad for you until I'm clear you can't hurt anybody."
"Get back to me on that resume rewriting business, Anne. I don't want to see any more sleasy, bad words out of you. Now get on with the FLOTUS apology. I'm running out of time."
Anne to FLOTUS
Michelle Obama at the Vatican; July 10, 2009Dear wonderful, esteemed First Lady Michelle Obama. I apologize for doubting your choice of designer fashion to wear to the Vatican. There was no reason for me to be frightened, having bad dreams for weeks, and thinking that you were sending the world some kind of signal.
Looking like a Sicilian widow with the pope was an inspired, smart choice. You did what every smart Roman has learned to do, who lives to tell about it.
Not only were you culturally-appropriate in your dress, you blended in perfectly -- especially now that I have the latest lay of the Roman landscape. The Moschino garb was just perfect, especially that veil.
Mrs. Khaki Pants is right. Women like Lubna and me need reining in. We tend to upset the natural order of things, and the world is a mess when we're finished.
Lubna Ahmed Hussein, faces 40 lashes in SudanI don't want to get Lubna 40 lashes, and I certainly don't want to create needless tension with the Vatican, while they straighten out a subgroup of American women, who have gotten too big for their jockey shorts.
Alas, I've been this disruptive, ill-bred way since I was a little girl, Michelle. My poor mother!
I sincerely apologize if I've caused you any trouble over my big mouth. You are a far more asute woman than I am, and I will not get out of line again. Plus, Mrs. Khaki Pants intends to be far more influential in my life. You can count on her to run a tight ship at Michelle-Style, from now on.
In an effort to redeem myself in your eyes, I'm sending as many people as I can, to vote for you in HuffPo's gorgeous arms contest. I so hope you win!!! You will make me proud! Go vote for FLOTUS. Let's at least get her over 9.0!
Love, Anne
PS: I also felt better watching my new friend Pixie's video yesterday on YouTube. We will be doing a Q&A Column about why veils aren't nearly as threatening as they seem. You get used to them after awhile, and as Pixie says: "What woman doesn't want a 'little black dress'?" In my private conversations with Pixie, I can assure you that she is a feisty, warm, kick-butt kind of woman.
You may have missed all the burqa conversation over at A of C.
This all just takes some getting used to on my part, but hey -- Reinvention is my middle name.
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